The ski lift incident

        Today I was wondering if I'm taking too long to have kids. Then the toddler in the room next door started screaming at top volume and I decided that, for now at least, it's all right. Kids fall under the category of milestones that people are expected to reach. They are placed neatly on a list of other accomplishments right after marriage and before turning 35. If you have them in the wrong order or, god forbid, fail to have them at all you are relegated to the "pitiable" category. The closer I get to my thirties the faster time seems to be going by and the more the pressure builds.

        I hate this for the same reason I hate ski lifts. When I was a little kid I was skiing with my parents and failed to get off the lift. My mom and dad got off, but I just sat there, frozen. I was scared that I would get tangled up in my skis and fall down and that the people in the chairs behind me would come in and fall on top of me until there was a pile of angry, injured skiers squashing me into the snow. Staying on the lift turned out to be a big mistake though. They had to stop the whole operation while I hovered over the ground freaking out and crying. I don't remember how I got off. To this day I hate ski lifts. There is such a sense of dread as the ending looms and when the time comes you have to stand up and ski off regardless of the possibility (probability in my case) that you will fall and look stupid or get hurt. I get this same sense of dread for every finishing point in life. Graduations, birthdays, marriage, etc. I just want to stay on the lift and ride it around until I really FEEL like getting off, which takes me longer than most other people.

       There are certain decisions that, once made, are indelible. Having kids is one of those big ones. There's no going back to a time when you didn't have kids and that disturbs me because the forward motion of life is one thing we can't control. Once you're an adult, that's it. Once you get married, that's it. Once you have kids you can never return to the time before you were responsible for another human being. Time propels us forward and, like the ski lift, it doesn't reverse. As an adult I still feel like that kid gripping the metal seat with both mittened hands, unwilling to let go of each stage as the next one looms.
        I admire the people around me for living their lives so gracefully. Most of my friends and family are so effortlessly themselves, their goals aren't nebulous like mine and they manage to face everything in life with unflinching resolve. Meanwhile I flail around hysterically trying to figure everything out, panicking about what brand of laundry detergent I should choose.